Dispensing Witan Wisdom Since The Days of King Eggbound The Unready...

Not to mention "Left-Wing Pish"

Sunday, 29 December 2013

Epiblog for the Feast of St Thomas a Becket



It has been a busy week in the Holme Valley. Not, for once though, busy with the normal busy-ness of business, but this week, with the business of Christmas.  The weather has alternated between poor and mild. We weren’t going to be allowed to enjoy a quiet Christmas and Boxing Day without getting a good old drubbing from the weather-gods first.  As with the last few storms, we were lucky and missed the worst of it, or rather, the worst of it missed us.  Others were not so fortunate, with homes flooded across the Home Counties and widespread loss of power.

The transport system, faced with the wrong sorts of trees on the line, failed to cope as usual, leaving people with the prospect of spending Christmas on Euston station.  (I tried to work in an ear-related “Euston-station-tube” in at that point, and failed.)  In one sense, being flooded at Christmas is no better/worse in purely material terms than being flooded at any other time of year, but given the high-pressured, driven nature of life these days, the loss of any opportunity to spend a few days together and take some quality family time out is to be regretted.  Somehow, it always seems worse at Christmas – I am reminded of my erstwhile assistant Samantha, at Phillimore, who once memorably declared “Christmas is a bad time of the year to have your leg off.”

Anyway, we managed to avoid mislaying any crucial limbs, and spent the festive season “quietly, at home”, to borrow a phrase often found in obituaries.  On Christmas day itself, Debbie took Misty and Zak for a twelve mile walk over Dove Stones, to blow away some cobwebs, in the unaccustomed calm and sunshine. “A soft day, at last”.  I felt less “Christmassy” on the day itself; for me, the most evocative time of the festival is always Christmas Eve.  I try and make a point of listening to the traditional Nine Lessons and Carols, even though if I was choosing, they would be a lot different, and I try and watch the midnight Eucharist on TV, while imagining the imaginary oxen in the imaginary barn on the imaginary farm we don’t have, kneeling in honour of an imaginary Christ-child. Imaginary to them, I mean (and also, sadly, sometimes to me). My only other concession to the traditions of the season has been to watch the end of “Love Actually”.  I have to say that, warty old cynic that I am, the scene where Colin Firth’s character proposes to Aurelia has me going every time. Who’d a thought it, eh? Mind you, the fact that Aurelia is played by the divine Lucia Moniz probably has some bearing on proceedings. The Monday before Christmas had also brought a fleeting visit from Bernard, who brought us a beautiful plant and two bottles of his home-made strong sweet apple wine, which is wonderful stuff and guaranteed to warm the heart of your cockles.

Because Granny has been on one of her royal progresses to view/spoil/shower with presents various grandchildren in the South of England (thereby heading directly into the “worst weather” zone, but arriving thankfully, unscathed) we have been looking after Freddie and Zak this week, which has made feeding times more problematic. Freddie now has to have a daily tablet for his wheezy chest, which worked fine at the beginning of the week, because Granny had left some chopped ham to wrap it in. Later in the week, when the ham was all gone, hiding the pill in his food was less successful, because he always seemed to leave the chunk with the tablet stuck in the middle, almost as if he could somehow tell. Then, in that situation, the challenge is to get to the dish and pick it up before either Misty or Zak scoffs it, tablet and all.

The same also applies with Misty’s “Canicalm”, although it’s not such a disaster if one of the other dogs eats it, as it’s only herbal, and its effect is cumulative.  Zak could probably do with it anyway, and Freddie has reached such a state of chilled-outness that you couldn’t tell the difference, whether he’d had it or not. All of them also show an unhealthy interest in Matilda’s food – unhealthy for them, that is, if they get too close; they are likely to be met with a glower, then a hiss.  When not quelling rebellious canines with a single look, Matilda has divided her time more or less equally between sitting out on the decking birdwatching (the good days) and being curled up on the settee or on “her” chair in the warm (the bad days). The dogs, of course, ignored their expensive toys on Christmas Day, being more interested in the packets of dog treats kindly sent by their Auntie Linda.  However, since then, Misty has shown some regard for her new “lunker”, at least for as long as it took to pull the label off it with her teeth (30 seconds).

Debbie, temporarily freed from the constraints of college, has been reading up on all the Ray Mears/survivalist/bushcraft books, and is talking about “going off in the camper for a few days” over New Year, a prospect which I have to admit fills me with dread.  I have temporarily lost my sense of adventure, I guess, but like the flood victims, probably, what I most want to do at this time of the year is sit by a roaring fire frowsting and carousing, because that’s what Christmas (and its predecessor, Yule) is for.

Nevertheless, Debbie is sharpening up her carbon steel survival knives and reading up on how to start a fire by rubbing two boy scouts together and all the stuff that goes with it.  She asked me the other day if I liked mints, to which I replied that, yes, they helped to counteract various disagreeable tendencies in my innards, and why did she ask? It turns out that survivalists/bushcraft enthusiasts in America use a particular size of mint tin, from mints known as “Altoids” or something similar, to keep their “every day carry” kit in.  Debbie was considering ordering some of these mints for me, purely because she wanted to use the tin.  I have to say that, if there is ever some sort of economic/ecological catastrophe that destroys society, I don’t really want what remains of the human race’s future to be in the hands of the sort of people who would buy a tin of mints, throw away the mints and keep the tin. Debbie, meanwhile, has her nose deep in the SAS Survival Guide. No good can come of this.  I hope that the weather comes to our rescue, as long as it inflicts no further misery on anyone else undeserving.

As for me, I have been indulging myself in the unaccustomed pastime of painting. I can’t really justify the time, to be honest, but on the other hand, there comes a point where doing the repetitive tasks and dealing with the everyday trammels of commerce – necessary as it is – just can’t be done any more, even by brewing a pot of industrial-strength “real” coffee and switching on the autopilot, which usually gets me by, on a bad day.  So I have done some stuff in acrylics, and some sketching for future projects.  I must admit that it felt good to be back in the “zone”, again, that contemplative space where only painting can take me.  I love acrylics. It was a major epiphany for me, discovering acrylics after years of dithering about with water colours, where if you made a mistake, you had to struggle to turn it into a cloud, which was quite a challenge if you were painting a bowl of petunias.  In acrylics, if you make a mistake, you just blappy it out with another layer over the top. Sorted! I first learned of this by reading something Jack Vettriano said, and I never even wrote to thank him.

As is usual at this time of year, the news from the outside world consists of a heady mixture of things released under the 30-year rule, stuff that the Blight Brigade is trying to hide by smuggling it out when everyone is looking the other way, and the doings of religious leaders.  I did note, however, that the spirit of satire in the UK press is alive and well. The Times named George Osborne as “man of the year”! The wicked scamps. A Parthian shot. Of course, there is just a teensy tiny outside chance that they might actually have meant it, and “man” is actually spelt “p-r-a-t”.  In which case, if George Osborne is the “man of the year” then I’m definitely a Dutchman. Van der Damm, naar der Mundt!

Other than that, it was the incense and mitre brigade that was – once again – providing the only true and authentic opposition to the Junta. I have no idea what was in Ed Miliband’s Christmas message, except that it probably contained an unfunded promise to be more Christmassy than the Tories (not hard, since their idea of Christmas is probably to give the pauper lunatics in the workhouse ten minutes off from picking oakum on Christmas day).  The bishops of England and Wales, meanwhile, were urging people not to neglect the “urban outcasts” of society, and Rowan Williams, God bless him, weighed in to the food banks debate by labelling the words and attitude of Iain Duncan Smith as “disturbing”. In Rowan-Williams speak, that is about as devastating a criticism as it is possible to make. And one which is so richly deserved.

Just in case you thought the Junta would ease off for Christmas, one of the cases about whom I have written previously, Mariam Harley Miller, received a letter from the Home Office on Christmas Eve, telling her to quit the country.  Whether or not this means that her appeal is officially over, or whether it’s just some low-pay-grade temp sending out a standard letter, unaware that the case was even under review, it still took some of the glitz off Christmas for her – well done, the Home Office.  “Goodwill to all men” ring any bells? And of course, lest we forget, Isa Muazu will have spent Christmas languishing in a hospital bed at the Harmondsworth detention centre. Et in terra, pax hominibus.

Today is the feast of St Thomas à Becket, quite appropriately, since it seems that, once again, as in his day, we have to rely on “turbulent priests” to put the case for justice and righteousness.  Let’s hope in this case it turns out better than in did in 1170, when four knights anxious to curry favour with Henry II took his moaning that he wished that someone would deal with the troublesome cleric rather too literally, rode to Canterbury, and lopped the top off Thomas’s head like a hard-boiled egg, on the steps of the high altar of Canterbury Cathedral.  The story of Becket’s life has become so well-known, especially via the prism of T S Eliot’s Murder in the Cathedral, to make it hardly worth repeating. It is, in microcosm, the conflict between church and state.

The cornerstone of Eliot’s play is the Christmas morning sermon given by Becket, which divides the two halves of the play, and is, essentially, a meditation on the nature of martyrdom. He talks about the meaning of the term “peace”, as in peace on earth, and Eliot gives him this speech:

Reflect now, how Our Lord Himself spoke of Peace. He said to His disciples: "My peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you." Did He mean peace as we think of it: the kingdom of England at peace with its neighbours, the barons at peace with the King, the householder counting over his peaceful gains, the swept hearth, his best wine for a friend at the table, his wife singing to the children? Those men His disciples knew no such things: they went forth to journey afar, to suffer by land and sea, to know torture, imprisonment, disappointment, to suffer death by martyrdom. What then did He mean? If you ask that, remember that He said also, "Not as the world giveth, give I unto you." So then, He gave to his disciples peace, but not peace as the world gives.

The problem I have is that I want both. I do want the peace the world gives, with England at peace with its neighbours, the swept hearth, and all that – in fact it sounds a lot like our Christmas. But at the same time I can see what Becket was getting at (or rather what Eliot was getting at) – Jesus is with the tortured and the imprisoned and the disappointed, or he should be, though the attitude of St Paul’s Cathedral to the Occupy movement would tend to suggest otherwise. I have to declare a sneaking liking for “the peace the world gives”, as well.  

The point that Eliot was getting at is the same as that which underlies U. A. Fanthorpe’s poem, The Wicked Fairy at the Manger:

My gift for the child:
No wife, kids, home;
No money sense. Unemployable.
Friends, yes. But the wrong sort –
The workshy, women, wimps,
Petty infringers of the law, persons
With notifiable diseases,
Poll tax collectors, tarts;
The bottom rung.
His end?
I think we’ll make it
Public, prolonged, painful.
Right, said the baby. That was roughly
What we had in mind.
 
I’m tired, and I am not looking forward to 2014. Especially if it’s going to be another bruising year of oppression and work with no reward.  I hate New Year’s Eve anyway, it’s the most loathsome night of the whole year, and if it were not for the fact that I feel an obligation to Granny Fenwick to stay up till midnight then sweep the old year out of the porch, I’d just drink a bottle of whatever was available, then go to bed. Tomorrow is another day.  As it is, this year, I may have to do the sweeping out the old year bit metaphorically, because I might be freezing my nadgers off in the camper van up at Walney. We shall see.

If I had a New Year wish, I’d make it what I wrote back in 2005 in “Here Endeth the Epilogue”.  That, in the words of the great Christmas poet Roy Wood of “Wizzard” fame, I wish it could be Christmas every day:

I wish it could be Christmas every day. I wish that we could keep that spirit and pay it forward through 2005.  If I require anything of 2005, I would settle for reports of truces breaking out all over the world, of hungry people being fed, of sad people being given a meal, a fire, a pet to cuddle, some human warmth and charity. In a world where even Santas have to have police checks, 2005 no doubt has some fairly dismal things in store for us and ours. Things that will test us, and our beliefs, situations we’d rather not be in, places where it would be oh so easy to cross by on the other side. We can retaliate though. Every time in 2005 somebody does something mean-spirited or bad within your sight and hearing - say to them “shame on you, it’s Christmas”.  Even if it’s July 29th.  Every time in 2005 you see someone needing a hand up, or a good feed, say to them “I can help you, - it’s Christmas.”  Even if it’s April 6th . Every time you are asked to turn your back on all the things that make each one of us the incalculable and never-to-be-repeated beings that make up this crazy old world, say “No, I can’t do that - it’s Christmas, and I will give, give, and give again, until the need for giving, and for forgiving, is removed from the face of the Earth.” Even if it’s May 15th .  Or December 2nd , or January 6th .  Then it really would be Christmas every day, and we’ll have gone a long way towards having something to really celebrate on December 25th.”

So, there you have it.  I wish you all the best for the New Year, and who knows, maybe it will be better than we think.  We’ve travelled the many a weary mile, and all that. For now, I’m managing my expectations, keeping my powder dry, reserving my opinions, keeping my options open, and stuffing earplugs down Misty’s ears in preparation for Tuesday. Pass the Canicalm, matron!

Sunday, 22 December 2013

Epiblog for the Fourth Sunday in Advent


It has been a busy week in the Holme Valley.  A week of winter storms, just about sums it up. I am thankful that the extreme cold has left us alone so far (no doubt we’ll get it at the end of January, the traditional time of year for all Britain to grind to a halt when a snowflake hits the Admiralty roof) but, home insurance notwithstanding, you would have to have a heart of stone to be a householder and not sit there listening anxiously to the rumbling boom of the midnight wind, and the trees thrashing about, and the intense, penetrating rain drumming on the conservatory roof, and the plastic greenhouse being shredded even more, and the distant nameless bangs and crashes that could be something important falling off the roof, eg the chimney-stack.

The worst that happened to us this week was yet more damage to the already-dead plastic greenhouse and the bins all being blown over, so we got off lightly.  Matilda decided that, in view of the external weather conditions, she would be spending an extended holiday in the garage, where – again for some reason best known only unto cats with small furry brains the size of a walnut – she spent most of Monday night.  I was reminded of just why the phrase “herding cats” is used to describe every kind of pointless activity with completely random results, because that summed up my efforts to get her back into the kitchen very accurately. Eventually, I gave up and left her to it, and eventually, she got hungry and came to the door to be let in.

Misty doesn’t like the sound the wind makes when it does that booming thing. She’s OK when she’s actually out in it, but when she’s in the house and it wakes her up from her snoozing, she does still, sadly, scuttle off and curl up on my bed next door, where she feels safe. It must sound like some sort of explosion to her. The Canicalm and the DAP collar and the pet stress remedy spray are all helping, but given her extreme reaction to bangs generally, and the fact that we know she originally came from Northumberland, I wonder sometimes if, in her “stray” days, she managed to stray onto one of the many army gunnery ranges up in the Cheviots, and that’s why she’s now terrified of anything that sounds like explosions or gunfire. She is, overall, however, much better, although, as with the weather, there’s still worse to come yet, in her case with the fireworks on New Year’s Eve.

So, yes, it’s been a windswept old week, but somehow we got through it.  Debbie was counting down to Thursday and the end of term, and to be honest, so was I. It’s been such a punishing term, and it still had a sting in its tail, when Debbie got her payslip and found that she had only been paid for 18 hours teaching in the last month. This triggered a major quest for me (I do her admin and paperwork, to allow her to concentrate on teaching) to track down the missing timesheets and find out why they hadn’t been signed off. By Thursday, in one of those depressing rounds of copy-everyone-in emails I had got it sorted, and all I had to do was resubmit all of the missing timesheets so they could be passed to payroll.

This, to be honest, was a massive amount of extra work which I wasn’t expecting. It was compounded by the fact that when I opened up my email on Thursday morning I found a slew of orders for books from major wholesalers, undoubtedly orders where each one had an expectant customer on the other end, desperate to get whatever it was in time for Christmas. While any orders are always welcome,especially when you are that poor that the Church Mice hold regular collections for you, I did wonder why the hell they hadn’t taken the opportunity to order them at any point in the preceding 300 days, or even, heaven forfend, stock the bloody books in question, since it is all sale-or-return anyway.

There was only one thing for it. In order for everything to get done, I would have to create some new time from somewhere, so I phoned the hospital and put back my appointment (it was the day of my six-monthly check up) until 30th January 2014. I hoped this would not be to my detriment. As far as I can tell, things are pretty much the same as they were six months ago, and if they had discovered a cure for Muscular Dystrophy, I am sure I would have heard.

So, everything got done on Thursday. Films were uploaded, books invoiced and packed, timesheets re-created and submitted.  Debbie got home on Thursday night and we quietly celebrated that we had made it thorough another bruising six weeks, and looked forward to a rest. I made a risotto, which is one of the ways I traditionally celebrate! Sad, isn’t it?

Friday dawned, as Fridays tend to, and it was another particularly sombre day for us, since it was five years to the day since Dusty, our old torty cat, died of old age. She was a character and a half, and it was never a dull moment while she was around. She is the only cat we have ever had where I found myself regularly having to write letters to the neighbours to apologise for her behaviour, and where I had to promise to keep her locked in one day, when they were having a special garden party and they didn’t want her to steal all the food.

Her other “party trick” was to invade the bed in the middle of the night, when you were too deeply asleep to really stop her or object, then she would worm her way down to crotch level and curl up, purring. This was fine, until she did what all cats do when they get ecstatic, stretched out her front paws and started to “make bread” with her claws. I am telling you this now, so that you don’t have to find out for yourself in person: having your scrotum used as a pincushion at 4AM is possibly the quickest and most efficient way of waking up known to humanity.

My recollections of Dusty, bless her, a great cat and now “a thing enskied and sainted”, were interrupted by my opening an email from the college regarding Debbie’s pay shortfall, thanking me for re-creating and re-submitting the missing timesheets, and indicating that all of these had now been signed off and were approved for payment… on 20th January 2014!  There was no redress or appeal; the payroll office closed at 1PM that day, and would not re-open until 6th January. What a waste of dog-farts. Merry bloody Christmas, Kirklees College, you bunch of incompetent halfwits.

There was no point in raging about it, since I would have been raging into a void, but I am going to create and submit all of Debbie’s timesheets for January in advance (a practice normally frowned upon by the College) and submit them over Christmas,so that when they return to their desks on January 6th and open up their emails, they will all be sitting there in a dainty little row. And if they ask me why I have done it, I will tell them. At some length.

Saturday was, of course, the Solstice, the day when we look forward to the turning of the year and the return of the light, so some sort of celebration seemed in order. By evening, we had all gathered in the kitchen, Debbie, Misty, Matilda, Granny, Grandad, Freddie and Zak. The stove was blazing merrily, and with the heat of the cooker as well, for once the house seemed warm and cozy. Outside, yet another chaos of wind and rain was rampaging through the garden. Inside, we had Allegri on the CD, incense wafting, and cooking smells. It was like the Vatican kitchens. Anyway, I made spinach and mushroom rosti, followed by a pasta bake, and Debbie served up a pre-bought red berry pavlova thing she’d noticed in the reduced freezer at the co-op.

A convivial evening ensued, and occasionally the feasting teetered on the edge of turning into carousing. Debbie’s dad managed to knock over his glass of cider on the rug, where it formed a wet patch suspiciously close to Zak’s bottom as he curled up in front of the fire. Granny noticed it and asked if Zak had peed, and I was able to reassure her that he was not the culprit. I added that if Zak was able to pee cider, he would be a very popular dog indeed, but as it is, he can only manage Carlsberg.

After they had all gone home, Debbie decided, under the influence of three or four glasses of claret,that she would try out her new bivvy-bag. For a couple of minutes, I really did think that she was intending to sleep out in the garden, but she ended up blowing up her sleeping mat and settling down in the conservatory, where she fell asleep in the bivvy bag while watching “Match of the Day”. By 2.30AM I had given up trying to rouse her, and Matilda was snoring slightly in a tight ball on the settee, Misty was curled up next door, so I ended up taking the Solstice candle and going to bed. That was the Solstice, that was.

I was criticised last week for picking on the negative news stories and complaining about things too much, and also that my comments about Iain Duncan Smith were incompatible with “my professed Christianity”. I don’t know where that idea crept in. I have never been able to forgive people, and this is one of the major things which actively prevents me from being “a Christian”, since being “a Christian” is mostly about forgiveness.

As to what I am, like poor mad John Clare, I know not: I was baptised in the Church of England, became a regular attender at the Methodist Church while a member of the Boys’ Brigade, almost became a Roman Catholic while at University, although strangely enough, I concurrently hung about with a group of what would, these days, undoubtedly be called Wiccans or Pagans; became interested in Zen in the late 1970s (who didn’t) and then fell into desuetude for thirty years or so during which time I sought the answers to the questions which would not go away in other fields, such as popular physics – The Tao of Physics, The Dancing Wu Li Masters, and The Physics of Immortality. I also started to take notice of all of the evil and injustice going on around me in the world. With Margaret Thatcher in power, it was difficult not to.

I’ve always thought – and still do – that what we call “reality” is in fact nothing of the sort, and the types of books I read back then, and the discoveries of modern physics now, seem to bear out and confirm this hypothesis more and more. But other than confirming the existence of a world the other side of the ethereal veil, I am still no nearer to puzzling out why this should be the case, what it means, and what my own part in it should be.  These days, when I pray, I pray increasingly into a void where it often sounds like nobody is listening. Maybe it’s because Big G has lost patience with me and he’s waiting for me to realise that I shouldn’t be wishing ill on people who let off fireworks, or on Iain Duncan Smith, or indeed any of the other people whose actions make it demonstrably clear to me that they deserve a plague of boils.  If that is the case, it’s a good job for God that he’s got all eternity at his disposal, because the Devil will have to go past the window on a skateboard before I find it in myself to forgive some of the things these evil bastards (politicians and animal abusers, to name but two) have done.

So, if anyone reading this thinks I am doing it because I think I have all of the answers, you are, my friend, sadly mistaken. I don’t even have all of the questions. I’m just washing my dirty habit in public, scratching a spiritual itch to a new pitch of rawness, and if you happen to find that process useful, too, I am happy to do it in your company. If you have a belief-system which works for you, though, makes you spiritually happy, and explains to your satisfaction all the quirks, anomalies and injustices of the universe, good for you, I’d love to hear it.  This is my diary, my life, such as it is. Sad, isn’t it?

Forgiveness has been on my mind this week, as I found myself reacting with fury to the Opposition Day Debate about food banks in the House of Commons. To give you some background, Jack Monroe, a single parent from Essex, wrote a blog about hunger and how to survive and still eat on a minimal income. This became a thorn in the side of the Blight Brigade, because its immense popularity on the internet was seen by many as a standing indictment of the cruel policies of “austerity”. So much so that the Junta wound up two of their favourite tame marionettes in the press (Richard Littlejohn and Liz Jones) to have a pop at her, both of whom she smacked straight back over the pavilion for six. She started a government e-petition calling for an enquiry into the use of food banks, and it gained over 100,000 signatures, very quickly, triggering a debate on the subject in Parliament, a debate that took place last Wednesday.

Anyone who wonders for one iota of a second why I have a problem with forgiveness need only read some of the extracts of the speeches in that debate, or watch the disgraceful antics of the jeering, heckling Tories who tried to shout down Labour MPs’ stories of “austerity”-inspired hardship in their own constituencies. Ian Duncan Smith scuttled off half-way through, leaving it to his deputy, Esther McVey, to make the case. Her answer was to fuss and bluster and blame Labour:

Esther McVey: In the UK, it is right to say that more people are visiting food banks, as we would expect. [Hon. Members: “ Give way!”] No. Times are tough and we all have to pay back the £1.5 trillion of personal debt, which spiralled under Labour. We are all trying to live within our means, change the gear, and ensure we are paying back all the debt that we saw under Labour. [Hansard] 

In view of that statement, I assume she will be refusing her 11% pay rise, then.  But there you have it, straight from the horse’s mouth: it is right that people should be forced to use food banks apparently – it’s some sort of necessary evil. Well, it’s evil, anyway, although the economic argument that “austerity” was either necessary, correct or effective now has more holes in it than a moth fancier’s vest.

Jack Monroe was actually there to see her motion debated, and wrote a long account of it on her own blog which probably sums it up much better than I can, because my lack of the ability for forgive would mean that in any long account I wrote of the proceedings, every other word would be a profanity. The sheer level of denial and black-is-white assertion, against a background of a 34% increase in homelessness across the UK as a whole, and a 62% increase in London, according to figures released by the charity Crisis this week, is staggering. I ask again, is there any wonder I find it impossible to forgive these people and wish them an early acquaintance with the very evils they seek to visit on others, or failing that, at least a brief trip down a disused lift-shaft. If anyone knows how to even begin forgiving these bastards, I would be seriously interested to hear it.

Anyway, if you want to know whether your MP was one of the 296 who voted on Wednesday for the proposition that food banks are necessary for us all to wean ourselves off the tedious habit of eating, while our supposed betters tuck in to Christmas dinner in their taxpayer-funded second home, Jack Monroe has helpfully printed off the list from Hansard, here. My own MP, Jason McCartney, Colne Valley (Con) is on the list, and I have already sent him a message on his Facebook page which consisted of the three words to be arranged into a well-known phrase or saying, “shame, you, on.” The Tories are quite fond of “naming and shaming”, as a concept, so I think it’s high time that they felt what it was like.

Mindful of the fact that people say that all I do here is – in effect – rave into the wilderness (and this is true) I have attempted, this week, to do something more constructive, and have started my own e-petition, to reform the jobs of MPs and make them more representative. You can read about it, and, should you wish to do so, sign it, here: http://epetitions.direct.gov.uk/petitions/58242 

In fact, even if you disagree with my own proposed solutions, but you think that the matter does need debate, the quickest way of ensuring that debate is to get that petition to 100,000 signatories. Then at least that would get it on the Junta’s radar, even if you are only signing because you think they aren’t worth another 11%!

Another reason for signing could be that they are out of touch and need a good slap. Especially the ones who, this week, quietly and without much in the way of fanfare, declined a contribution equivalent to $36million from the EU towards food banks in this country. If ever there was a victory for ideology and idiocy over human compassion, that would be a very strong candidate. Especially considering that all we normally get from Europe is the shitty end of the stick.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I must have a very Old Testament view of justice, because I also found myself feeling yet more anger this week at the outcome of the trial of those convicted of killing off-duty soldier Lee Rigby back in the summer. I forebore from commenting on this while the trial was in progress, though anyone could see they were unlikely to get off with a caution and community service. I am aware that they still haven’t been sentenced yet, and that the criminal justice system is under enough strain from social media comments as it is, without me adding my two-pennorth in a minor key, but I hope that they get life, and that life means life.

Why do I hope this? Because, apart from the totally abhorrent nature of the crime it needs to be seen to be a just sentence in order to prevent both sides in the debate using it to foment yet more trouble and unrest. Given that two EDL members who firebombed a Mosque in Grimsby as a misguided “reprisal” for the death of Lee Rigby have just been handed down a sentence of six years for arson, the sentence on Rigby’s killers must be as severe as the law permits, given that they showed absolutely no remorse. It must be commensurate, otherwise the EDL will be starting up again with these Facebook memes about “share if you think it’s a disgrace”.

I hope, also, that the killers of Lee Rigby will not just be written off as unhinged and evil, when the cell door clangs shut on the rest of their days, unhinged and evil though they undoubtedly are; self-appointed “soldiers of Allah” but not brave enough, for instance to go and get killed in a real war in Syria, like Abbas Khan, for humanitarian purposes, and following a brand of “Islam” that only exists in the febrile minds of people like Anjem Choudary and Omar Bakri, the people who take these impressionable young hotheads, mould them into killers, are just as responsible for the tragic consequences, yet walk away unscathed.

I hope that somebody will take a moment to pause and reflect why this happened. Remembering that seeking to understand something is not the same as condoning it. In the same week as they were describing themselves as “soldiers of Allah”, Cameron was in Afghanistan proclaiming that our mission was accomplished in response to questioning, and – possibly even in the same bulletin as the news of the conviction of Lee Rigby’s killers – the BBC was running a feature about how we are now controlling drone strikes in Afghanistan from bunkers here in the UK. I repeat, seeking to understand why something happens, is not the same as condoning it.

But here you have a heady cocktail. “Radical” Muslims in Afghanistan and in the UK getting uppity about our presence in that country (rightly so in the case of innocent civilians being killed by drone strikes) people like Choudary and Bakri who are more than willing to wind them up and send them out with a suicide vest because they are totally committed to fighting to the last drop of someone else’s blood; a UK media that consistently gives these wingnuts a platform as if in some way they were representative of the vast number of ordinary UK Muslims who abhor and condemn such violence, and lastly, hypocritical politicians who went along with Guantanamo, torture and extraordinary rendition (Blair, Jack Straw) or who claim the credit for something that hasn’t happened (Cameron with his “mission accomplished”).

It’s a heady cocktail, and each of its ingredients bears some responsibility. In the same way as, if you leave out the olive, a dry Martini is really not a dry Martini. You can blether on all you like about how people shouldn’t hold such beliefs, and how they are incompatible with religion and spirituality, but nevertheless they do hold such beliefs, they have access to weapons and – sometimes – explosives, and since 2001, we in the West have done everything in our power to increase their numbers and recruit and incentivise more of them.

When W H Auden wrote “September 1st, 1939” it was about the invasion of Poland and the outbreak of World War 2, but it’s just as relevant here, especially this stanza:

Accurate scholarship can
Unearth the whole offence
From Luther until now
That has driven a culture mad,
Find what occurred at Linz,
What huge imago made
A psychopathic god:
I and the public know
what all schoolchildren learn,
Those to whom evil is done
Do evil in return. 

There’s one more element in the mix, as well. People like me, who find it difficult to forgive, because that lack of forgiveness can lead to the ultimate conclusion that two wrongs might just make a right, which is a very dangerous road down which to embark. My lack of forgiveness is the very sort that feeds mad ideologies, and while I would never hack a politician to pieces in a London street in broad daylight, tempting as the idea is on occasion, you can see how it might happen. Apart from being against the law, it’s also self-defeating, though. As Mrs Thatcher, God strafe her, showed, it doesn’t matter if the person dies, it’s the corrosive, zombie-like ideology that lives on beyond the grave. That’s what you have to defeat.

Just coming back to forgiveness, however, I would like to pay a passing tribute to Lee Rigby’s family, who have shown – like that poor woman in Sheffield whose husband was killed needlessly last Christmas, on the way to play the organ at his local church – the true meaning of dignity and forgiveness, and demonstrated how far above me on the spiritual evolutionary scale they are. I cannot begin to comprehend how someone could do that, which I guess is why Big G is allegedly in charge of the universe and I am just a very minor, very temporary, rusted old cog in the works.

And finally, since it’s Christmas, we should remember the Salvation Army. Yes, the Salvation Army that does so much good at Christmas time and the Salvation Army whose brass and silver bands can often be found oom-pah-ing away in the precinct as shoppers hurry past in search of last minute bargains or the “festive KFC box meal” [yes, it really exists]. The Salvation Army that this week defended workfare and unpaid volunteering and called critics of its pro-Junta stance “offensive”. 

Now, I used to have a soft spot for the Sally Army. My great aunt Alice (RIP) was a leading light in the local organisation. But on this subject, Auntie Alice, old dear, I am afraid you have got the string bag inside out, and a major rethink is needed. Stick to what you are good at, oom-pah-ing and tambourines and soup runs and leave the grinding of the faces of the poor to the experts in the Blight Brigade. They really don’t need any help. Sadly, they are already very good at it. There’s a love.

You’d think, wouldn’t you, that for one week of the year, I’d let it rest and cut them some slack. Because it is Christmas, after all, right, and we should be grateful for what we have, and if ever there was a time for extending the olive branch, well, it’s Christmas, isn’t it? And in truth, there has been some evidence of heartwarming “good news” stories around this week. Stories that make you think all is not lost. Stories of the kindness of strangers. A woman who found a child’s teddy left behind by accident on a train from King’s Cross to Newcastle started a campaign on Twitter and Facebook to reunite it with its owner, which successfully came to fruition this week. The teddy turned out, in fact, to be a toy lion called “Roar”, which was successfully restored to its owner.

In New Zealand, 77-year-old James Barber was rescued from potential homelessness when a Christchurch businessman stepped in and bought his house, which his landlord had put up for auction over his head, so he could live out his days in peace without fear of eviction.

And finally there was the story of little Moses the dog, who ended up at the Freedom of Spirit Trust for Border Collies, where Misty came from. Moses was an oldie, and when he was checked over on arrival by the Trust’s vet, it was discovered that he had liver cancer and his time was gong to be limited. One of the volunteers at the shelter took him home and fostered him into her own family, so for the last few months of his life he had a warm bed, good food, walks, and the companionship of other doggies in the time remaining to him. He died this week, but because of FOSTBC and the kindness of the person who took him on, he didn’t die alone, cold, hungry and frightened, he died as a much loved family pet, and all the trumpets sounded for him as he crossed to the other side.

Oh brave new world, that hath such people in it. We will be needing more of that sort of thing in 2014, especially in the animal shelters, where the "Christmas rush" happens in January and February. More of that kind, generous spirit and less of the mean, penny-pinching, narrow-minded shop-thy-neighbourliness we’ve seen so much of to date.  And yes, I can hear you saying, right here right now, well, Steve, that’s all very well, but you’re a fine one to talk – you aren’t generous or forgiving to anybody, even though it’s Christmas. And you are right – sadly. But I will make this concession. The day Iain Duncan Smith and Ester McVey say sorry, and mean it, I promise, in return, to make a concerted effort to try and find some redeeming feature about them. Let’s not get carried away and use the “f” word just yet, though. It took a lot of effort even to type that sentence.

But yes – Christmas. It’s next week, as if you hadn’t realised. And I do miss the Christmases of my childhood, tramping around the lanes of Brough and Elloughton, carol-singing in the snow with the Methodist choir. Christmas Eve then was a magical time, when it was possible, just possible, that you might go out into the stable or the barn as the church clock struck midnight and find the animals kneeling in an unbidden homage to a Christ-child only they could see. As Thomas Hardy wrote in “The Oxen”: 

Christmas Eve, and twelve of the clock.
"Now they are all on their knees,"
An elder said as we sat in a flock
By the embers in hearthside ease.
We pictured the meek mild creatures where
They dwelt in their strawy pen,
Nor did it occur to one of us there
To doubt they were kneeling then.

So fair a fancy few would weave
In these years! Yet, I feel,
If someone said on Christmas Eve,
"Come; see the oxen kneel

"In the lonely barton by yonder coomb
Our childhood used to know,"
I should go with him in the gloom,
Hoping it might be so.
 

And that is how I end this year. Not at all certain that there is any guiding intelligence behind this blaring jumble of tricks that we call life, but hoping it might be so. Not at all certain that the problems of homelessness and loneliness and hunger that will affect so many people’s Christmas this year can ever be solved, but hoping it might be so. Not at all sure that we will ever see justice and mercy and respect and compassion prevail again in this country, but hoping it might be so. Not at all sure that we can build Jerusalem in our green and pleasant land, not even sure that we can manage to re-home and look after all the lost and abused animals, let alone the human beings, but hoping it may be so.

And as for you dear reader, not at all sure what you will be doing or celebrating over the festive period, or who with, but hoping that it brings you whatever it is you are seeking, and that you are warm, well-fed and watered, and happy, not just now, when you might expect it, but in 2014 and beyond. Please accept my wishes for the merriest of Christmases, to you and yours, hoping it might be so.

And for those who, in this long and brutal year just gone, did their best to inflict poverty, homelessness, hunger, violence, and cruelty to human and beast alike, and especially those 296 MPs on Jack Monroe's list, here’s a little Christmas message from me, via Iris de Ment, especially for you.













Sunday, 15 December 2013

Epiblog for The Third Sunday of Advent



It has been a busy week in the Holme Valley. We’ve now reached that stage in the year where I begin to count down to the Solstice and the turn of the year, oppressed by these long, dark, cold nights, and hanging on grimly with my fingertips to all sorts of things I cherish. It’s cold, and dark out there, where the monsters live, so we huddle ever nearer to the fire and spend our time as best we can in keeping warm and making sure we eat as healthily as we can, as a defence against the nasty, black blast of winter.

Not that it’s totally without beauty. On Wednesday and Thursday, Debbie’s two “early start” days, I got up with her and was therefore able to watch the complete progress of the dawn on both days, right from the first feeble glimmerings in the sky along the eastern horizon, right through to what passes for broad daylight these short winter days. Despite the fact that, on both days, it required a major effort of will to swing my legs out of bed from underneath the warm duvet, I was glad that I had seen the dawn.

From the glimmerings, the sky transformed itself strips of blue, red and gold, colours of almost heraldic purity, gradually growing in intensity until they spread across the whole sky, which looked almost as if it was pulsating, until finally the sun itself rose over the far side of the valley, sudden and brilliant through the bare trees, and, as its light grew more confident and assured, the hues of the sky-pageant faded, until they were finally gone.  For the rest of the day I found myself humming along with Karine Polwart:

Oh, oh, the night is long,
But day is longer still,
Oh, oh, the night is long,
But the sun’s coming over the hill.

Matilda doesn’t really like these bright, hard, flinty days when the air itself feels like a cold helmet close around my head, as I trundle down my wheelchair ramp to put out the rubbish-bag.  She was determined to tough it out, though, and asked to go out first thing on Tuesday, so I let her out of the conservatory door and, instead of pushing off and leaving her to it, I decided just to watch for a few minutes and see what happened.  She sat there with her ears back and her eyes squinting in the cold, determined to stay out there as long as she could.  Then, one of the sudden intermittencies of rain (you can’t really call them showers, they’re over almost before they’ve got going) pattered across the decking and that was it, as the first raindrops touched her, she scuttled back to the door and meowed for me to let her in.

The inhospitable nature of “outdoors” is probably what’s fuelling her obsession with the garage, where she escaped once again for an extended period later that same day. I think it’s because the garage is sort of like being outside, only warmer and without the attendant perils (falling leaves, sudden showers and other cats) that bedevil her when she’s in the garden proper. I don’t really mind her going out there, except that there’s no cat flap from the lobby back into the kitchen, and it’s a pain having to keep watching out for her little whiskery face pressed up against the glass of the door when she finally decides she’s had enough garaging for now.

We’ve now begun using the herbal dietary supplement “Canicalm” in Misty’s food, and I’m glad to say that it does seem to have reduced her inherent fear of fireworks and other loud bangs. Just as well, really, because on two occasions during the week anti-social idiots were letting off bangs at inappropriate times. Mind you, we don’t need fireworks for that because the morons who are demolishing Park Valley Mills (or part of it) and replacing it with new empty units on the same site in a futile wasteful and disruptive gesture at what the Council calls “regeneration” have kept up a constant obbligato of unwanted racket throughout the week. I actually sought out one of the firms responsible on Twitter and tweeted them asking if they could get the demolition men to make more noise as I could, at that precise moment, still just about hear myself think.

We’ve also acquired another element in the armoury to help Misty in her struggle with the fireworks a “DAP” collar, impregnated with Adaptil, a synthetic version of the hormone that female dogs secrete to calm their puppies. The idea is that as the collar comes in contact with the dog’s skin the hormone is slowly released and the dog feels calmer and more relaxed.  So far it does seem to be having an effect, though sadly there isn’t a similar one for naughtiness!  I think Misty is going through, in human years a difficult teenage which is probably why she managed to escape from the back garden at Colin’s side during the week and disappear down into the woods. After five minutes of me sitting at the conservatory door freezing my nadgers off and bellowing her name at the top of my voice, she returned, barrelling back in such a way that she knocked over the wrought iron gate that Debbie had blocked across the exit and wedged in place with an old plastic dustbin.

She redeemed herself in the cuteness stakes, if not in naughtiness, by stealing Debbie’s new furry socks on Thursday. Debbie called in at Lidl to do some hosiery replenishment and came back with two pairs of “furry” cotton socks.  She unpacked some other bits and bobs she’d bought and left the socks on the edge of the settee while she put the rest away. It only took Misty a couple of seconds to grab them and take them into the conservatory where she started playing with them and shaking them like a rat. Fortunately, Debbie retrieved them before they suffered the same fate as the furry squeaky duck and ended up strewn in bits all over the rug but rather foolishly she put them back in exactly the same place Misty had stolen them from, so, a couple of minutes later, the retrieval process had to be repeated. Misty thought it was a great game and I must admit it made me chuckle but Deb didn’t see the funny side.

I’ve had the usual week, battling against the same accretion of the same problems that have bedevilled my life for so long now.  The post comes, and I write letters in reply and the post goes and I pack up books and send them to people, and we take a few steps forward, then a few steps back, and so it goes on. The emails flow back and forth, and gradually the day darkens and the shadows deepen and it’s time to shut the doors, light the lights and bank up the stove again.  By the end of the week, with the “clouds so swift and ran fallin’ in” the background music to my life had changed from Karine Polwart singing “The Sun’s Coming Over The Hill”, to Robert Zimmerframe singing “You Ain’t Going Nowhere” which seemed altogether more appropriate:

I don’t care how many letters they sent
Morning came and morning went
Pick up your money and pack up your tent
You ain’t going nowhere.

There were some small victories, though; I noticed on Facebook that the Sheffield City Pound were looking for a “quiet” home for an elderly Border Collie.  I wished that I could just have rung them up and said we’d take her, but by no stretch of the imagination could our house be described as “quiet”.  I did have a moment of what passes for inspiration though, and cross-posted details of the old lady in question on the Facebook page of the Freedom of Spirit Trust for Border Collies, where Misty came from. By that time, the Pound had already had two offers of homes for her but if both those fell through, the FOSTBC said they would take her, so whatever happened she wouldn’t be stuck in the Pound. It just goes to show that sometimes, in one mouse-click, you can achieve some good, even though 99% of the time I spend on Facebook is probably frivolous fritterings.

Friday was always gong to be a sombre day, and so it proved. Two years had passed since our old dog Tiggy died, on St Lucy’s Day 2011. God alone knows where those two years have gone.  St Lucy’s Day used to be the shortest day of the year, until they started mucking around with the calendar in 1754 or thereabouts.  Despite that, it still felt like I was living in John Donne’s poem about it:

It is the year’s deep midnight and it is the day’s
Lucy’s, who scare seven hours herself unmasks…

As the actual hour of the anniversary drew near I stopped working and put some Gregorian Plain Chant on in the background, and lit some incense, and remembered the happy days we’d had, the many times we’d passed waiting in the camper van in the sunshine at the side of Kilbrannan Sound waiting for Debbie to paddle back to shore and drag her kayak up the beach. The happy times, the sunny times. And I thought of the vivid red dawns I’d seen this week, and how that same light would have been bouncing off the dour crags in Cumberland where Debbie and Tig had climbed together; Hellvellyn, Blencathra, Cat Bells, Pike O’Stickle, Haystacks, Helm Crag, Fleetwith Pike, and the Old Man of Coniston. To name but a few. I don’t know if animals have souls. The church says not, but I would defy anyone to have looked into Tiggy’s eyes and tell me she had no soul.  Whatever form she and I are in, I hope she’s waiting there with all the others to welcome me at the warm inn when my life’s weary pilgrimage is over.

Saturday dawned bright and breezy for a change, although it did deteriorate later into mere wind and rain, but as I sat on the edge of my bed getting dressed and looked out over the garden, the wind was thrashing the trees about, whirling the leaves in crazy twisters. They say that cats are very sensitive to changes in the weather, particularly in air pressure, and Matilda proved it by thundering about, doing a circuit from the conservatory door through into Colin’s and then back again. She was obviously suffering from what Granny Fenwick would have called “the wind up her tail”. I let her out (the cat, not the late Granny F) and she went as far as the corner .of the decking. Just at that point a huge gust of wind send a cloud of dead leaves flying past her, and a scatter of little twigs broke free from the branches overhead and plopped onto the roof of the conservatory. That was it. Her eyes huge and glittering, she turned tail in panic at being furfled by the wind-Gods, and fled back to the comfort and safety of the door.

In the wider world, outside the confines of the valley things continue their journey to Hades in a handcart. Nelson Mandela is still dead, something the BBC sought to remind us at regular intervals, including an hour-long programme of him lying in state. As I said at the time, a webcam with a motion sensor would have been a lot cheaper. Meanwhile, all the politicians who were queuing up in the 1970s to suggest that Mandela should be hanged for terrorism were trundling out their pictures on Twitter to show them side by side with “the great man”- yes, David Cameron, I am talking about you.

But the main theme of the news (such as it is) that has filtered through to me in my little medieval cell this week has been bout “austerity” – a word that seems to have acquired a multiplicity of meanings, depending who you ask. For instance, if you asked Iain Duncan Smith, £40million is a mere bagatelle in an age of austerity.  It’s no big deal, for instance, to write off a sum of that magnitude on a failed computer system intended to bring in the Tory flagship policy of Universal Credit, which keeps getting pushed further and further back and which keeps costing more and more money. 

The irritable bowel, IDS himself,  was hauled before a House of Commons committee this week, to explain his rather cavalier use of statistics when composing bilious DWP propaganda, demonising people who are ill and on benefits and leading to them committing suicide in some cases and being the victims of hate crimes in others.  Despite the best efforts of Glenda Jackson, sadly, the smarmy bastard managed to do his usual trick of declaring that black was white, good was bad, and it was anybody’s fault but his.  He’s only been censured twice over his use of statistics, apparently, and he seemed to think this was some sort of justification.  He was also, according to several first-hand accounts by political bloggers who attended the event, surrounded by armed police and minders. And this within the hallowed precincts of the House of Commons.

I can understand he feels the need for protection – after all his evil policies have killed enough people since 2010 to ensure that there must be somebody, somewhere, out there, lurking in the shadows and waiting for the chance to plug him. Personally, I wouldn’t shoot Iain Duncan Smith, even given the chance. Lead is expensive, and could be put to so many better uses. And it would be far too quick and merciful. I’d hope to see him lose his job, then his seat, then suffer a slow decline with some sort of debilitating illness, so at the end of his miserable days he’s living in a bed-sit in Hastings, claiming benefits, and only able to afford cat food on toast.  Then, and only then, he might have some sort of inkling of the damage he’s caused. It’s called karma. What goes around, comes around. Badabing, badaboom.

Princess Michael of Kent, no less, has also been hit by austerity – they can no longer afford to eat out!  See you at the food bank, your Royal Highness.  Instead of eating out, they now have to invite guests to  Kensington Palace, and get the caterers in.  Wow, that is an example of tightening the belt, one which I think we can all learn from.  These revelations came in an interview to publicise – you’ve guessed it – her latest book. I neither know nor care what her book is about. Given her witterings in the interview, it will be a complete waste of tree. If you needed any further confirmation that she lives in a strange, Narnia-like, parallel universe, four stops beyond Barking and well off the bus route, she goes on to declare her admiration for Michael Gove (go figure, as they say in the colonies) and ends by stating that she is a “workaholic”, declaring emphatically:

"I’m a Capricorn, It’s my nature, And I’m convent educated: I sew better than any nanny we’ve ever had. And my father had a farm in Africa. Have you ever taken the insides out of a stag?"

No, your Royal Highness, I have never taken the insides out of a stag.  But I am more than willing to practise it, on a minor member of the Royal family, to make sure I get it right, before trying it on a real dead animal.

It has become clear, in the continuing debate around austerity and benefits, that there is a hard core of people in this country who have absolutely no intention of ever doing any meaningful work. They are more than happy to just turn up every so often to sign in and just take the money. They contribute absolutely nothing, and they are leeches upon the public purse. There are 640-odd of them, and this week they had the brass balls to accept, blushingly and reluctantly, the suggestion that they might be worth an 11% pay increase.

For what it’s worth here’s my solution.  MPs' pay should be frozen at its present level until 2020 as a gesture of remorse and solidarity with the people whose lives have been wrecked by their stupid, criminal mismanagement of the economy over many, many years. After that, they should be reviewed annually, in line with inflation.

But the current furore over pay also serves to mask a much wider package of reforms of the role of an MP, all of which are urgently overdue. MPs should have to live in the constituency they wish to represent for a minimum of two years before being eligible to stand for election there. "Pairing" should be abolished. MPs should have ONE house, in their constituency, that THEY pay for. Expenses should be limited to office and establishment expenses, and permitted overnight stays in budget hotels eg Travel Lodge. There should be a MINIMUM ATTENDANCE REQUIREMENT at Parliament, which, if not met, would result in pay being docked. MPs should have NO OTHER PAID EMPLOYMENT while being an MP. That's for starters.

I utterly reject the argument that you have to pay top dollar in order to keep and recruit high-class high-ability politicians. If you implemented these actions (above) people coming into Parliament would be those who really wanted to make a difference to the country, rather than the present lot, who are only interested in making a difference to their bank balance, at the expense of the poor, the unemployed and the ill. And I have now submitted an e-petition request to the government petitions site to that effect, which is currently under consideration. If it goes live, I will post a link here.

Austerity as a concept was well and truly clobbered by John Cassidy, writing in no less a forum than the New Yorker last week.  The full blog is well worth reading, even for those like me who find economics gives them grey hairs and additional knits in the brow. If I had to summarise it in the proverbial nutshell, he says (correctly in my view) that it was Osborne’s mistaken charge into the valley of death after the 2010 election that reversed the feeble growth that was coming back in the last few months of Broon’s administration and tipped us into recession and that the recovery, such as it is, is only happening now because Osborne stopped doing what he was doing, and instead introduced a huge dollop of Keynesianism into the economy in the form of the housing guarantee scheme.

The problem is, of course, that this sort of argument takes a lot of close concentration to follow, and it’s nowhere near as persuasive and insidious as the DWP propaganda about people getting “£500 a week on benefits”.  Housing benefit desperately needs reform, but you have to remember that when you read these lurid headlines about someone getting "£500 a week on benefits" the majority of that is usually housing benefit which the "recipient" never actually sees, because it goes straight into the pockets of the landlords.

And the reason rents are so high in the private rented sector is because of a massive shortage of affordable social housing which has been a crisis breeding ever since Thatcher sold off the council housing stock and then successive administrations (of both parties) failed to replace it.

What needs to happen is that the government either needs to embark upon a massive programme of building social housing, or tell councils to do so. This would a) ease the housing crisis and private landlords would have to lower rents to attract tenants, thus in turn lowering the bill for housing benefit, and b) provide a much needed boost to the housing and construction market and instead of having chippies, brickies and sparkies sitting on the dole, they'd be earning money AND SPENDING SOME OF IT, boosting the economy as a whole, and they'd also be paying tax, so the tax take goes up and the deficit comes down.

THIS is what they should be doing instead of providing underwriting for private home building which inevitably results in the wrong type of housing in the wrong place. But there's as much likelihood of the Tories (or indeed, sadly, Labour) doing that, as there is of me getting out of this wheelchair and flying to the moon.

Plus, of course, the figure of £26,000, on which the DWP’s  “£500 a week” figure is based, only applied to a tiny percentage of all benefit claimants, but the DWP propaganda recycled by the likes of the Daily Mail makes it seem as if it applies to all claimants!

So, it’s been rather a depressing week for those who are trying to correct misapprehensions, left, right, and possibly centre. Zoe Williams wrote an article in The Guardian pointing out step by step, thread to needle, in beans, how Iain Duncan Smith is setting out to dismantle the entire fabric of the welfare state, and her article provoked such a shitstorm of adverse comments that it's a measure of how far the poisonous bile spread by the DWP has reached, that there are even people on the Guardian web page commenting, readers of a supposed "thinking man's" (and woman's) newspaper, who are prepared to swallow the DWP's anecdotal crap about benefits abuse, hook, line and sinker, when the actual fraud rates are so low. And where are Labour in all of this? Rachel Reeves has already conceded the field to the Tory agenda, instead of taking it on head-on and challenging it. It's like one team not bothering to turn up for the cup final, leaving their opponents to boot the ball into their open, empty goal, again and again.

One way of cutting back on government spending would be to refrain from embarking on insanely grandiose computer schemes doomed to failure from the outset (Iain Duncan Smith)  and repeating the procurement and specification mistakes of other previous administrations - of all parties. That would be a good place to start. Overall, if you want to cut government spending you could also look at things like the totally unnecessary re-branding of government departments, (Michael Gove) giving public money to any miscellaneous group of drongos who want to start their own private school (Michael Gove) and the money spent by the Home Office on vans driving round bearing the types of slogans previously used by the BNP (Theresa May) or Theresa May again, hiring a private jet at a cost of £180K to attempt to deport Isa Muazu. There you go, I've just saved us at least half a mill, in eleven lines. No need to thank me.

Like I said, there is lots that can be done, but of course, it’s much easier and more convenient for the Blight Brigade to continue bashing the old, the sick and the poor, while continuing to claim credit for a “recovery” that is only happening because they finally stopped cutting and started stimulating instead – something they should, and could, have done three years ago. And, also like I said, their propaganda is working: the internet meme about how people should have to have a urine test before they can claim benefits has been doing the rounds again.

If you haven’t seen it, it’s supposedly written by a worker on a gas rig or an oil rig in the North Sea [though it came originally from the US and has been adapted] and the author is saying [I’m summarising here] that because he has to take a urine test before he can go to work, people on benefits should have to take a urine test before they can claim benefits, in order to ensure they aren’t spending his hard-earned taxes on drugs or booze.  It’s a plausible and insidious argument, and is actually quite difficult to unpick, but let’s have a bash.

We could start with the obvious statement that the reason he has to have a urine test is presumably because if he is out of his tree while he is in charge of complex mechanical equipment and extremely volatile substances, he is likely to cause a major accident, possibly with fatal and environmental consequences. An unemployed bloke fumbling with the remote on a sofa in Droitwich trying to find his afternoon shot of “Countdown” is unlikely to be able to compete, really, in the ecological disaster stakes.

Underlying it, though, are three basic fallacies.  That people should be able to dictate the actions of those who receive benefits because they are in some way “better”, more “responsible” or more “worthy” than those unfortunate enough to be out of work or ill, and that there is some sort of split at birth into “hard working families” and “scroungers” and never the twain shall meet, whatever you are, you are, and you stay that way all your life, in much the same way as people from Hull are either Hull FC or Hull Kingston Rovers and that’s that.  The third fallacy in the unholy trinity is that people who are on benefits want to remain there and stay there as some sort of lifestyle choice. 

So, at the risk of repeating myself, life on benefits is tedious, boring shit, and, while you will inevitably get the odd bod who scams the system, most people on benefits, I assert, want to get themselves off benefits and into work.  Secondly, it is perfectly possible to be a member of a hard working family one day, and the next day find yourself out of a job, ill, or even in hospital for six months. Trust me on this one, I know.  One thing the Junta has done is to ensure social mobility, but not in a good way. All snakes and no ladders.  And finally, a benefit is a universal benefit and once you start saying that there are deserving and undeserving poor [based, I might add, on purely anecdotal evidence] you are abandoning a key principle of the welfare state [and your name is probably Iain Duncan Smith]

Anybody who thinks a life on benefits, struggling to pay your debts and with the constant threat that one day you might lose your home, is such a picnic, is more than welcome to swop their life for mine. In fact, as an added bonus, since one of my long term meds is Furosemide and I always, therefore, have a plentiful supply of urine, I’ll even post you out a sample on request, if you want to test it before committing.
Meanwhile, we now apparently live in a country that not only privatises its prisons but then makes women who suffer a miscarriage in custody clean up after themselves, including dealing with their own dead baby. Yes, just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse. I am going to quote the article from The Independent in full. If you are easily upset by such things and don’t want your Christmas spoiled by mental images of medieval horror that you’d rather not have in your head, then please feel free to skip the next bits in italics: 

A woman who had a miscarriage at a private prison was left to clean up after herself while the foetus remained in her cell, it has been alleged. Although a nurse was present when remand prisoner Nadine Wright, 37, lost her baby, she says the foetus was left with her afterwards and that she had to clean up the blood. Her barrister, Philip Gibbs, told Leicester Crown Court: “There was blood everywhere and she was made to clean it up. “The baby was not removed from the cell. It was quite appalling. It was very traumatic. She only received health care three days later, after the governor intervened.”

The incident allegedly took place the day after Wright was taken into custody at HMP Peterborough on 23 November. It was not revealed in court how many months pregnant she was. Mr Gibbs told the court that Wright had landed in prison after she stole £13.94 worth of food out of desperate hunger as she did not have the money to pay for it because she had not been given benefit payments she was entitled to. The alleged incident came to light when Wright appeared for sentencing for breach of two court orders in place following previous offences by shoplifting the items and failing to attend appointments with the probation service. Wright pleaded guilty and was sentenced to 10 months' jail. Mr Gibbs also attacked the probation service, accusing it of failure to help Wright to receive any benefit payments during the 11 months she was under its supervision. Wright has mental health issues, had been battling long term heroin addiction and had recently lost her mother, as well as being pregnant when she was arrested, Mr Gibbs explained.

He said an investigation into Ms Wright’s alleged mistreatment would now be carried out by her legal representatives. HMP Peterborough is a category B privately-run prison managed by Sodexo Justice Services. The company was contacted for a comment by The Mercury news agency but a spokesperson said it “cannot comment publicly on individual cases”, and would not reveal whether an inquiry following the alleged incident is being carried out.

“A prisoner received medical treatment on the day of her arrival in prison and was seen by a GP the following day,” the spokesperson said. “We have a duty of care to all prisoners that we hold. As part of that, we ensure that all prisoners have access to the same level of NHS services as those in the community.

I really just want to ask one question, as you read that, on the third Sunday of bloody Advent. Are you angry? Or is it just me?  I am so angry, reading that, that I could get in my wheelchair, trundle down the A1 to Peterborough, find that damn prison right now, and start chipping away at it with my bare hands, dismantling it brick by bloody brick until not one stone remains standing on top of another.  Great sodding gongs of Gehenna, have we, in Britain, in Great Britain, in 2013, really come to this?  Why isn’t this front page news?  Back in 1788, we deported people to Australia for stealing a loaf of bread if they were starving. In 2013, we send people to a privatised jail in Peterborough for stealing £13.94  and make them clean up their own miscarriage. Do you know what? Transportation almost sounds more civilized, as an option, even if the current head of the Australian administration is a misogynist idiot!

Yes, there will be those who say she brought her plight upon herself, with a catalogue of bad decisions. Personally, I think she had been “punished” enough already for the “crime” of being afflicted with mental health issues and addiction, though of course there will be those who rejoice in the fact that she was unable to claim benefits because the probation service wouldn’t or couldn’t help her. That’s another few quid shaved off the benefits bill to buy the votes of “hard working families” at the next election. Serves her right. Perhaps she should have had a urine test, then they might have realised she was pregnant.

We absolutely, positively have to do something, whatever it is, to reverse all this damage that is being inflicted on Britain and start to make things better again. We could vote them out. We could gather outside the prison. We could tear it down stone by stone. I don’t care. But the time has now come to do something. Once again, for the second week running, I am ashamed to be called British and am now going to buy some clogs and a windmill and be known as Jan Van Der Vaart.

I look around at the next generation of Debbie’s family.  Young Ryan, already a computer whiz; Caleb, drawing the family’s Christmas cards at the age of seven.  Adam; Katie; Holly; Ben; and now Chloe and little Isobel.  We owe it to these kids. We have to create a world where they will grow and thrive. For the sake of the children, if nothing else, we have to fight, fight, and fight again for a better world.

And so we came to Sunday; the third Sunday in Advent, and another day when the UN is dragging its feet and not providing the requisite aid to the Syrian refugees, to the extent that they are now boiling snow for water.  Oh, and dying.

Look, I’m sorry about this. You came here to hear about how Misty and Matilda were doing and whether I had managed to get myself into any amusing japes this week, and here I am telling you about people being forced to clean up after their own miscarriages and refugees dying because the UN can’t be arsed to send aid.

This is rather akin to the acerbic message in today’s Gospel, Matthew 11:2

NOW when John had heard in the prison the works of Christ, he sent two of his disciples, and said unto him, Art thou he that should come, or do we look for another? Jesus answered and said unto them, Go and shew John again those things which ye do hear and see: the blind receive their sight, and the lame walk, the lepers are cleansed, and the deaf hear, the dead are raised up, and the poor have the gospel preached to them. And blessed is he whoso-ever shall not be offended in me. And as they departed, Jesus began to say unto the multitudes concerning John, What went ye out into the wilderness to see? A reed shaken with the wind? But what went ye out for to see? A man clothed in soft raiment? behold, they that wear soft clothing are in kings' houses. But what went ye out for to see? A prophet? yea, I say unto you, and more than a prophet. For this is he, of whom it is written, Behold, I send my messenger before thy face, which shall prepare thy way before thee.

So: what went ye out into the wilderness to see? A reed shaken with the wind? But what went ye out for to see? A man clothed in soft raiment? behold, they that wear soft clothing are in kings' houses. In the real world, people are dying. In the real world, animals are being abused. In the real world, people are sleeping under the viaduct. In the real world, people are being forced to clear up their own miscarriages.  In the real world, “soft raiment” is reserved for the cushioned and the privileged.

I’m sorry if this isn’t what you came here for, if you just wanted me to be all Robert Frost and fey and folksy and say that Juliana of Norwich says that all shall be well and all manner of things shall be well.  It’s growing more and more clear to me that unless we take the initiative and make something happen, we will still be stuck here this time next century. All shall be crap and all manner of things shall continue to be crap.

We owe it to the kids.  If Christmas means anything at all, if Jesus means anything at all, then Jesus should be in the prisons making them better, Jesus should be out there taking the soup run to the rough sleepers, Jesus should be in the Syrian refugee camps, in the animal sanctuaries and the dog pounds, Jesus should be with the deportees, Jesus should be with the poor and the despairing who have had their benefits sanctioned on a pretext in order to massage the figures. Maybe he is, or maybe he will be. I hope so. I pray so.  If advent means anything at all, it should be the advent of better times for all of us.

But more and more, I am coming to think that we might have to kick over the tables of the moneylenders ourselves. If we can’t rely on Jesus to transform the world and make it new and fitting for the kids to live in, then we might have to turn to Oliver Cromwell instead: trust in God, but keep your powder dry.